Have a Cigar

I haven’t decided if it’s a he or a she yet (my old laptop was definitely female), but… isn’t it pretty?

Ahhh, so THAT’s what it’s all about!

I’d have to say that the thing I love most about the Internet is the way that you can find something awesome while searching for something entirely different. For instance, just now I was looking around for an explanation of some arcane, seldom-used Hobby code words, and I was rewarded instead with an eye-opening explanation of Tantra, which I never really understood before. But now, having seen this post on MRB, I think I’ve got both arms around it.

Goddess. Hmmmm. Okay, first of all, I have to start by saying that there’s a skeptic inside of me that isn’t all that comfortable with Tantra and all this New Age-y bullshit. Is it just an overpriced handjob, or is there really more? I mean… REALLY. And what’s with all this goddess stuff? Have you noticed that if a man refers to himself as a “god”, everyone thinks he’s got issues? But if a woman refers to herself as a “goddess”, she’s simply getting in touch with her inner power and wisdom? Why can’t we guys, for once for crissakes, be getting in touch with our inner horniness and sexual wisdom? In fact, I propose that all Redbookers should refer to themselves not as hobbyists, but as “gods”, because what we’re doing is transcending societal limitations and learning to be in the here and the now, as in… hey, why should I take you to dinner? Lemme give you $200, and let’s fuck NOW. Right here on your kitchen table, babe. Pop off those Victoria Secret panties, sugar.” And every time we go to an AMP and get a rimjob, we can refer to that as god-training. And BBBJ would be the preferred way to honor the penis, since the god-worshipping providers can experience more direct contact with our “shakti” (bliss energy) that way. Yeah, swallow my shakti blessings, honor my penis.

Another Milestone

It took 47 days to bring in my first 5000 hits. The next 5000 only took 27. But that’s far from being the whole story. What I find more interesting is where that second 5000 visitors came from. Let’s have a look, shall we?

Here are some graphs from my statistical records, gathered by Google Analytics. This first one is derived from the records of incoming visitors during the seven day period leading up to December 24, which was the day that The Petulant Pooner crossed the 5K threshold. If you are interested, you may want to click the image to expand it for a closer look (opens in a new tab or window for your convenience).

What I would most like for you to notice here is the proportion of visitors coming from CLRB. The percentage is a bit skewed for this time frame, due to the flood of traffic that came in during the naked_valor dust-up, but nevertheless, 50-60% is fairly representative of the fraction of visitors who used to click in directly from the Asshat Network, before I was banned from there. ‘Direct hits’, in other words people who have the site bookmarked, were less than 10%. You can’t see this on the graph, again because of the naked_valor spike, but back then my daily visitor count used to be around 60 to 80.

Now, here’s the same graph for the seven day period leading up to today, when I reached 10K hits.

You will notice that CLRB hits (24%) are way down, while Google searches (13%) and bookmarks (16%) are up, and daily traffic is averaging around 156 visits per day. Translation: I don’t need CLRB to maintain or expand my readership. So much for Allison’s theory about a “dwindling audience”, eh?

One final note — comment flamers should keep in mind that, for the most part, I really don’t give a rat’s ass what you have to say. I don’t care if you love me or hate me… so long as you read me. And that you have… oh yes, indeed.

Condom Couture

First thing, let’s get this out of the way: Amanda Marcotte is a snotty bitch.

There, now… my thanks to Ms. Snotty Bitch for posting a pic of these magnificent formal gowns, made entirely of condoms.

IMPORTANT NOTE: Should any of you artsy-crafty types out there become inspired and decide to mimic this for yourselves, please remember that this is NOT a recycling project!

Santa’s Elves Have Been Busy

There’s only 18 shopping days left ’til Christmas, pooners. And if you are like me, you have a lot of special ladies on your gift list. What will you get them?

Well, DUH! This is a total no-brainer. Stop by the Petulant Pooner Store and stock up on sexy gifts that are sure to tickle her, uh… well, she’ll really like ’em, OK?

Lies, Damned Lies, and Professional Liars

First things first. Married hobbyists are scumbags who should be hung up by their scrotums and man-raped with a rusty Crescent wrench (the big end).

There, now that we have that out of the way, here’s something really cool that may be of use to you: The Alibi Network.

The Chicago-based Alibi Network is, essentially, an organization of professional liars, ready and willing to aid and abet whatever sneaky shit you happen to be up to, for a price. And as long as you don’t ask them to help you trick law enforcement officials, they don’t care what you are doing or who you want to fool. They will cover your ass by phone, fax or email to help you get time off from work, time off from your spouse, or to pull the wool over someone’s eyes for whatever purposes are important to you.

The price? Not dirt cheap, but not necessarily exorbitant, either. The cost for basic membership is $75 annually, and after that the price per alibi starts at $10 and goes up from there, depending on what level of complexity your needs require. If you value your peace of mind, an extra $35 tacked on the to cost of a weekend fling really isn’t that much. Compare with the cost of a detour through divorce court, and it looks like a real winner.

Coming soon… disillusioned former employees of Alibi Network are rumored to be starting The Blackmail Network. I would tell you more, but then I would have to kill you.

Not Quite a Stocking Stuffer

There’s only 34 shopping days until Christmas, folks. Are you wondering what to get that special provider who already has everything? The Petulant Pooner is here to help. (hat tip: Nora)

Meet the Hot Towel Cabi, a microwave oven-sized accessory for the well equipped incall that is sure to increase client comfort and satisfaction. No more running to the bathroom sink to drench a washcloth in warm water! The Hot Towel Cabi keeps them ready to go, damp or dry, for instant use in those special moments of post-coital afterglow.

Perhaps the best feature of all is the built in UV sterilizer.

The Road Less Traveled

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Can hobbyists and providers ever develop meaningful relationships “off the clock”? And if that happens, what challenges are there above and beyond those normally encountered by people in more typical circumstances?

It’s been discussed, at length, numerous times on my favorite pooner board (for instance here, here and here). People on each side of the hobbyist/provider fence seem to be roughly polarized within their own communities: either open to the possibilities or in adamant denial that such a thing could (or should) take place. One’s position on the matter seems to be pretty tightly interwoven with how one sees their counterparts in the other camp.

Today I stumbled across a fascinating and eye-opening post on Compartments: An Escort’s Weblog, that should settle the matter pretty convincingly for the naysayers. The author (I can’t find a name to refer to her by) shows herself to be very much a normal woman, and not the inhuman bitch that so many hobbyists seem to believe in. We see her doing some very normal, very human things: realizing that an attraction exists, looking for clues that it may be reciprocated, wondering if she should dismiss the notion for various reasons. Just as any of us would, she sees her world through the lens of her experience.

There is an inconvenient (from a man’s perspective) little fact about man-woman relationships that almost everyone is aware of on some level, and yet very few people are willing to acknowledge openly. It is the single most basic premise of the human courtship ritual: the female selects the male. Any attempt to subvert this will result in an unhappy ending. If you’re a man, you just have to roll with it. If you are a hobbyist, you must not only roll with it; you must embrace it.

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